The Lonely Heart Attack Club: Wrinkly Olympics - Welcome to the Isle of Man's first dating club for the elderly. Sublimely funny! by J C Williams

Author:J C Williams [Williams, J C]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2017-09-23T04:00:00+00:00

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Chapter Eleven

W omen have many wonderful attributes, too many to articulate, but certainly one of their more impressive was the ability to say one thing but mean the absolute opposite. For men, this can be confusing and, on occasion, mildly irritating. Emma was by nature easy-going and, more often than not, the one who would pull other people out of the doldrums. Jack had been ‘treading on eggshells’ for most of the previous evening and during the morning’s rush.

“Is, eh, everything okay, Emma?” he asked on several occasions.

“I’m fine,” she replied on several occasions. It was clear she wasn’t, but Jack was stuck between a rock and hard place: keep asking and annoy her, or don’t ask and annoy her. He reasoned that being pregnant would send her hormones haywire, but from experience, if you mention hormones, period timings, and other female delights, they often end up being thrown, with force, back in your face. Jack reasoned that he was best keeping his mouth shut.

At the shop, Jack was doing his best to keep out of trouble and scrubbed the tables nearest to the window. He gripped the cloth in his hand as he thought of his recent rendezvous with Helen. His phone buzzed in his pocket; it was a message from Pete. ‘Outside now, dickhead,’ it read.

Jack was unsure how to take this. Was it a statement or a command? Jack had not been a stranger to people wanting to smash his face in over the years, and the very phrase in the text message had been used on him on numerous occasions, once by a butch prostitute in Prague with questionable gender.

Jack re-read the text and peered out of the shop window. He ran his eyes up and down the street, but there was no sign of Pete. There was a side street opposite the shop with a narrow lane running off it. He could see a solitary head floating behind the building on the corner; it was Pete trying to look inconspicuous. When he was sure he’d caught Jack’s eye, Pete gave a firm hand gesture signalling him to get his ass over there — although from Pete there could have been several connotations.

Jack looked over his shoulder and Emma was busy serving two customers at the till. He moved cautiously due to the bizarre nature of the text. For a moment, he considered this may be an ambush. ‘Had Pete been kidnapped?’ he thought.

Once outside, Jack walked on the opposite side of the road to allow maximum visibility of the narrow lane. There was no obvious indication of foul play. Regardless, he held his palms out as he approached, poised to deliver a deftly-targeted karate chop.

“Pete, what are you doing skulking around back alleys, I thought the judge told you to stop that? And what’s with the abusive text?”

Without notice, Pete slapped him on the face. Well, the tips of his fingers made contact with Jack’s cheek. The contact was minimal — and in certain circumstance could be considered foreplay— but with the stern expression, the intent was clear.

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